In our home, my youngest son Ian is working on changing a long-standing behavior. For years, Ian has had difficulty falling asleep on his own. What started as a fear of the dark and noises has turned into a real anxiety about going to bed at night. For a long time, we, as Ians parents, further enabled the behavior by lying down with him until he fell asleep. Well, now Ians parents are tired of this habit, and we are trying to bring about some change in the bedtime routine.
It was my night to handle the bedtime routine with Ian. I know what all the experts recommend on this issue, so we started the routine with a warm bath to help Ian relax. We spent some time together reading to further help Ian wind down. At 8 o’clock, I tucked Ian into bed, and gave him a kiss goodnight.
Ian is convinced he needs to see one of us when he falls asleep, even though most of us fall asleep with our eyes closed. So we set up a new routine that included dimming his light while I sat in the middle of my own bed reading. As long as Ian stays on the left hand side of his bed, he can see down the hallway into my bedroom. It sounds like this new change could have promise, but not when Ian is resisting change with every bone in his body.
Filled with anxiety about this new change, Ian resisted everything I suggested to help smooth the transition for him. None of the ideas I had worked to help him fall asleep because he was not open to this change. After listening to hundreds of excuses from Ian, I was getting quite frustrated so I decided to go with the flow of his energy. When he told me for the 20th time that he couldn’t fall asleep, I gave him permission to stay up all night. I said “Then keep your eyes open and don’t fall asleep.” Guess what? Ian resisted that idea too, and he fell asleep!
As human beings, we are faced with change on a regular basis. How we respond to change largely determines how happy and successful we are in life. While our relationship with change varies depending on the change, it is still vitally important that we are consciously aware of our tendencies. By maintaining an awareness of how we are responding to change in our lives, we can actively create the life we desire to live.
Here are five responses to change. Do you recognize yourself in any of these?
The avoider avoids change at all costs. She will stick her head in the sand and hope that no one notices. The avoider sees change as painful, and therefore uses a self-protection mechanism called denial to protect her from change. To the outside observer, the avoider appears oblivious to any change that needs to take place. When a strong external circumstance takes place, the avoider will sometimes wake up and see the necessary change.
The resister loves excuses. Although she may understand change is necessary or even desirable, she will still fight with change. Often when I am working with mom clients around weight loss issues, I am met with a lot of resistance. Clients will explain to me why they didn’t stick to their diet, exercise like they had intended, or make the necessary changes they want to make. Even with coaching and encouragement, the resister will still resist change. For the resister, there are often more perceived benefits from not making the change than following through with the change. Until those benefits are resolved, the resister will remain stuck.
The talker is similar to the resister, but normally has a greater desire to make changes. She often talks about the changes she wants to make, but is still struggling to take action. Talking about change is good. It is a positive step in the right direction. Before I finally took action on decluttering my entire house, I would talk about it all the time. I would set goals to encourage me to take action, but wasn’t following through. Eventually, I got over the hump of talking about change, and actually created the change I wanted in my life. (You can read all about my decluttering journey on my blog at www.themomcoach.com)
The fizzler recognizes the change that she wants to make. She will talk through the change, and even devise a plan to take action. Filled with fire and energy, she will jump enthusiastically into her journey towards change. Then, like a sparkler, her energy begins to fizzle, and eventually she dies out and ceases action. It is common for the fizzler to start and stop with change. She vacillates between being successful with change, and giving up on change.
The embracer wraps her arms around change. She sees change as an opportunity to do things differently and make life better. She is a lover of learning and thrives well with change. Although she recognizes that change is not always easy, she possesses the perseverance to stick with the ups and downs, the emotional strength to manage her mental mindset, and the attitude to make the most of every opportunity.
What is your relationship with change? How do you handle the change going on in your life, and in the world? How would developing an embracer style help you to create the change you want to see?